


You Know, Don't You?

by nm_317



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Hospitals, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-20 23:29:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/893158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nm_317/pseuds/nm_317
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Richard is in hospital. Jeremy and James wait.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Know, Don't You?

“Jez?” James’ voice is hoarse and quiet from disuse, and Jeremy unsteeples his hands from in front of his eyes and turns toward him.  
  
James’ head is lowered, his hair – completely gray now, and how is it that Jeremy’s just now noticing – hanging past the side of his face.  
  
Jeremy shifts in the hard, uncomfortable waiting room chair. It’s Richard, again, that’s brought them to hospital, but some kind of infection rather than an accident, something with a scary-sounding name that’s got him dropping in and out of consciousness, that has Mindy and the girls circling his bedside, and has the crew pacing the halls like ghosts.  
  
He and James are alone, for now, the nightshift, ten numbers on their speed dial in case there’s any change at all.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“You know, don’t you?”  
  
Jeremy sighs, frustrated, not up to any games. “Do I know what?” He’s too exhausted for the question to have any bite.  
  
James sits up then, wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans, and looks at Jeremy. They’ve been sat here together for hours, been each other’s comfort, but Jeremy can’t remember the last time he’s really looked at James. His scruffy face is worryingly pale, the darkness under his eyes a stark contrast.  
  
He blinks and swallows and rests his hand on top of Jeremy’s.  _Oh. That._  Jeremy turns his hand over and closes his fingers around James’. “Yeah, James. Of course I know.”  
  
They’ve been together for nearly two years now, more-or-less living together for half that, known to the press for three-fourths, but there are some things they’ve just never put words to. Some things, Jeremy’d thought, didn’t need to be said.  
  
Some movement of one clammy hand against the other, and eventually their fingers are intertwined. Jeremy brings them to his lips and presses a kiss to James’ knuckles. One corner of James’ mouth lifts in the closest thing to a smile Jeremy can remember seeing since this mess began.  
  
He wants to just say it, but everything about their relationship has been at James’ pace, following Jeremy’s subtle – and sometimes not-so-subtle – hints: six days later here, eight arduous weeks later there.  
  
And if anything happens to Richard, he doesn’t want the memory tarnished, doesn’t want those two events permanently connected in James’ mind.  
  
So, he won’t say the words, but that doesn’t mean he won’t share the sentiment. “And you know that goes for me, too?”  
  
“Course, Jez. If I didn’t know, I…. We wouldn’t be….” He waves his hand vaguely between their bodies.  
  
Jeremy smiles in understanding and they sit for a while, silent, until Jeremy has to excuse himself to take a slash. He returns with a cup of tea for each of them - and the seriousness of the situation is only magnified when James doesn’t complain on sight about it being little more than lukewarm, cardboard-flavored water – to find James has taken over Jeremy’s job of repeatedly trekking a path from one end of the room to the other.  
  
After the fifth pass, he stops and leans against the wall. Staring up at the ceiling, his voice is barely audible when he asks, “Do you think Richard knows?”  
  
Jeremy pauses for just a moment to think about it, wouldn’t dare placate James with a lie, but when he answers, “I’m absolutely certain he knows, James,” he knows he’s right.  
  
Instead of looking relieved, James curves his arms across his chest. “Jez, I – I didn’t want you to find out this way.”  
  
“Find out what? That you love Richard? Of course you love Richard. He’s one of your best mates. No matter all the bollocks about us hating each other, there’s nothing wrong with loving your best mates. We don’t dare admit it except in times of distress, but of course we do.”  
  
James finally drops his gaze from the ceiling and looks across the room at Jeremy.  _Oh, Christ._  
  
“Unless,” he can’t believe he’s saying this, “unless you love him as something more than a mate?”  
  
James wipes a hand across his nose, his voice shaky as he answers, “I don’t want to lose you, Jez. I didn’t want….”  
  
Jeremy is on his feet and across the empty waiting room in two steps. “Come ‘ere,” he murmurs, pulling James into his arms.  
  
“I would never tell him,” James mumbles into Jeremy’s shirt. “He has Mindy, and they love each other, and you…and I….”  
  
“James.” Jeremy whispers the word against James’ clammy forehead. “It’s all right.”  
  
“It’s not,” James insists quietly but firmly. “I thought if I didn’t think about it, if I didn’t….”  
  
“If you didn’t spend any time alone with him.” Things are starting to make sense. “You made yourself busy building things with Simmy this summer…so when Richard asked you to help restore that old Land Rover, you could turn him down.”  
  
James pushes himself from Jeremy’s arms and folds his arms across his chest once again. “It’s wrong to be with one person and feel this way about someone else.”  
  
Jeremy cups the sides of James’ face in his large hands, forcing him to make eye contact. “James. Do you want him instead of me?”  
  
“Of course not.”  
  
“Then listen carefully, James. I’m not….” He’s unsure how to explain this. ‘I’m not as gay as you’ is accurate, but it seems a little uncouth to blurt it out. “I wouldn’t admit to fancying the little shit, but even I wouldn’t pass up the three of us. Together.”  
  
James blinks three times in rapid succession then breathes in a snotty breath. “You – you never said.”  
  
“And neither did you. It didn’t matter. Like you said, he has Mindy. And we have each other.”  
  
James turns his head a bit and presses a kiss to Jeremy’s rough palm. “Yeah.”  
  
“And we’re happy, you and I.”  
  
James lays his hands over Jeremy’s where they still rest on his face, rubbing the sides with his thumbs. “Very happy. Inordinately happy. Even when you annoy the piss out of me.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
James closes his eyes and exhales deeply. “I’ll spend forever convincing you that I’d never replace you.”  
  
For a moment, the mechanical whir of hospital sounds fades to the background as all Jeremy can hear is the pounding of his own heart. They’ve talked of the future, but never ‘forever.’  
  
“I just want you and me and a nice warm bed.”  
  
James opens his eyes and smiles. “I want that too, Jeremy.”  
  
“Sleep for a week.”  _Wrap you up in my arms and soothe the worry lines from your face._  
  
“Among other things, I hope.”  
  
Jeremy snorts softly at the eagerness on James’ face. “Of course.” Gently, he swipes a thumb under James’ eye. “Go take a fag break. Don’t worry about any of this nonsense for now. We can talk about it once we’re home, if we must. I’ll call you if….”  
  
\--  
  
Andy and Iain arrive in the waiting room with takeout breakfasts for them and the Hammonds not long after James returns from his smoke break.  
  
“I’ll see you in about eight hours then,” James says quietly, following his sip of coffee with a face of displeasure.  
  
Tea. Good tea, sleep in a warm bed with James in his arms, then sex. In that order. That’s what they’ll do once Richard is better. At this point, watching James drink a good cup of tea may be his second greatest wish, after Richard’s full and speedy recovery.  
  
“I’m staying. For a while, at least.”  
  
“Jeremy, you’ve been here for over 16 hours, you haven’t slept well in days, you’re going to drop. Go to the hotel; we’ll call you if….”  
  
“James.” Jeremy glances over to where Andy and Iain are arguing over something on Andy’s phone. “I’m not leaving you. Not now. I leave, and an hour from now, you’ll have yourself convinced I’m upset with you. I won’t have that. I’m staying. Come on. We’ll do the crossword.”  
  
\--  
  
James isn’t wrong. Jeremy barely lasts two hours before he falls asleep, slumped in his chair, head resting against James’ shoulder, his hand covering James’ on the armrest.  
  
Some time later, he hears voices through the fog – excited, happy voices – then James is shaking him awake. He opens his eyes with difficulty, and tries to sit up when he sees James’ face. Grinning down at him.  
  
“He’s awake, Jeremy. Really awake. The doctor’s have it figured out, finally, and between his body and the medicine, he’s fighting it. He can see visitors now, and Mindy says he’s asking for you and me.”  
  
Jeremy follows James to the door then stops them with a hand on James’ shoulder. “You go in.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You go in first. I’ll follow you in a few minutes. I’ll call Francie. She’ll want to know. And the kids.”  
  
“Jez?”  
  
“Tell him. Not – you know. Just the important part. Or don’t tell him, but….”  
  
James folds his hand over Jeremy’s. “You’re sure?”  
  
“Yeah. I’ll be right behind you.”  
  
James nods, once, and Jeremy backs away from the door, already pulling his phone out of his pocket.  
  
“Jezza? Come here.”  
  
Once they’re nearly chest to chest, James curls the fingers of one hand around Jeremy’s and squeezes. “I love you.”  
  
Jeremy drops his phone, the case hitting the floor with a dull thump, and weaves his fingers through James hair, his thumb brushing over James’ temple.  
  
“I know,” he replies with a grin.  
  
James rolls his eyes. “Bastard.”  
  
“Yes. But I love you, too.” Jeremy ducks his head to press a quick but meaningful kiss to James’ lips. “Now go tell him that.”


End file.
